Where do I begin? I have not posted in over a month as I have struggled to find the words or the inspiration. I have baked and eaten loads in an attempt to comfort myself but with little satisfaction. This is not a good start to a blog post but this is the hardest post I have ever written or probably ever will. My wonderful mum (mam, mammy) lost her battle with Motor Neuron Disease (ALS) on the 9 May 2017. While she was diagnosed with the disease for over 5 years she only started to slow down 1.5 years ago and only started to really deteriorate in 2017.
Her passing was sudden and quick. We always knew that she wouldn’t be with us forever but we never expected it to be this way. We weren’t ready. We still aren’t. Can you ever be ready? I’m still numb and can’t believe I will never see her face again or hear her voice. She is/was (I hate writing about her in the past tense) the inspiration for this blog and she thought me everything I know including my baking and cooking skills making me and my sisters the women we are today.
Maybe it’s too raw to write about my mother now and to do her justice in describing the person she was. Or maybe there will never be enough words to describe the lady I knew, that her family knew, that her friends knew and that my Dad knew. We all have our own version of her and we can now spend the rest of our lives sharing these stories and we may end up knowing a different side of her.
Words keep popping into my head, summing up my current emotions but understanding them is another matter. I don’t know how I expected to feel when we lost her and I don’t know how I am currently feeling: Numb, lonely, sad, love, regretful, scared, empty. I am told that I am a strong person because of the other personal stuff I am going through which I may write about some day, but I don’t feel strong and I fear that moment or day when I will be consumed in grief for all I have lost………………………
As a family of 5 sisters and my Dad, my mum was the centre of our family and our world: the glue, the reason, the why. She will remain the centre of our family circle but in a different way and I will have to discover how she will fit into my new normal.
Under the circumstances we were lucky in that we could ‘wake’ my mum in the family home for 2 days and nights with the house open to all who wished to pay her and us, the family, their respects. Over 12 hours on the 11 May 2017 hundreds of people came through the doors of our home which was the centre of our family, which was a testament to all the people who loved her and all the lives she touched. We buried her in the beautiful parish graveyard after the funeral mass in our local church. It was a quiet and beautiful ceremony, something she would have been happy with. I was nominated by my other sisters to do the eulogy and it was really hard to sum her up in a few short words much like it is to write today.
I miss her and I am sorry about all the future milestones she will miss but she will always be with me, including every blog post I write.
Thank you for reading X